Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
