I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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