Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
