Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
