The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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