Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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