Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
