Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
