they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
