So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
