Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
