I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize
