i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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