I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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