I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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