the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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