I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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