Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
