Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
