i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
