If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Randomize
