he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Randomize
