My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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