she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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