I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
