I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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