Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Randomize
