I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
