so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
