News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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