it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
