and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
