Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
