He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
