Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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