Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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