my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
