Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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