just survived the first fart of the relationship.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
