I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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