Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
