umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
