I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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