In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
