Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
