You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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