after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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