You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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