Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
