And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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