his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
