I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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