if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Floor bacon is actually really good
A+ Viking dick
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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