The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
