i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
