I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
