I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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