I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
