I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
